It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets another beer.

A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.

Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
The surest poison is time.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

To be is to do. - I. Kant
To do is to be. - A. Sartre
Do be do be do! - F. Sinatra

We're only in it for the volume.

[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.

All your files have been destroyed (sorry).
Paul.

Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.

God is real, unless declared integer.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?

Real Users never use the Help key.

The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what you want.

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of
deception a neccessity.

Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.

Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.

I'm growing older, but not up.

Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again.

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

Decaffeinated coffee? Just Say No.

Live free or die.

Life. Don't talk to me about life.

The existence of god implies a violation of causality.

I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.

Just Say No. - Nancy Reagan
No. - Ronald Reagan

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.

Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know yet.

I've seen it. It's rubbish.

An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; a pessimist fears this is true.

In der Theorie sind Theorie und Praxis gleich,
in der Praxis nicht

The voters have spoken, the bastards...

I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.

When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if it were a nail.

Shit Happens.

(null cookie; hope that's ok)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does woman want?'

Love your country but never trust its government.

Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.

A tautology is a thing which is tautological.

Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.

Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!

Ignore previous fortune.

And now for something completely different.

Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

Time is the fire in which we burn...

It was half way to Rivendell when the drugs began to take hold.

In the beginning was the word and the word was
content-type: text/plain.

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is used.

In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is the king.

You expect me to talk, Goldfinger?
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Prediction is hard. Especially of the future.

Failure: When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough.

Another victory for truth,justice,and automatic weapons.

God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Ray Charles is God.

If you tell the truth, make them laugh, or they'll kill you.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.

I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life.
Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'

Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'

To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

All extremists should be taken out and shot.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.

Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.

Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.

Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.

Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I can resist anything but temptation.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

The Computer made me do it.

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)

A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get you through times of no dope.

A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.

Winning isn't everything, but losing really suck

The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.

Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst.

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature...
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'

Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -- und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.

This fortune intentionally left blank.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.

Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them.
That's when they come over and violate your body space.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.

Anything is possible, unless it's not.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.

Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.

Anything that can be done to a rat can be done to a human being.
And we can do most anything to rats. This is a hard thing to think about, but it's the truth. It won't go away because we cover our eyes.
This is cyberpunk.

The trouble is that things never get better, they just stay the same, only more so.

Multiple exclamation marks, he went on, shaking his head, are a sure sign of a diseased mind.

You gotta find what you like and let it kill you.

Du wirst allein geboren. Stirbst allein. Also kannst Du Dich auch daran gewöhnen.

Was für ein großartiger Sport, die Jagd. Wesen zu töten, die schöner sind als man selbst. Vögel zu schießen, die höher fliegen als die Träume.
Ab und zu reinigt man seine Flinte und bläst sich
versehentlich den Kopf vom Hals.
Gut.

Katzen stehen politisch gesehen ziemlich rechts. Sie sind Anhänger des Status quo. Sie mögen nichts, was eine Änderung bedeuten könnte.

667: The neighbor of the beast.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

Mein Problem ist, dass ich gefühlskalt bin, es aber nicht ausdrücken kann.

If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.

What the hell, he thought, you're only young once, and threw himself out of the window. That would at least keep the element of surprise on his side.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose.

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Freedom for supporters of the government only, for members of one party only - no matter how big its membership may be - is no freedom at all. Freedom is always freedom for the man who thinks differently.

Die Schwerkraft ist eine Angewohnheit, die man nur schwer abstreifen kann.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.

'And he goes around killing people?' said Mort. He shook his head. 'There's no justice.'
Death sighed. No, he said...There's just me.

'And what would humans be without love?'
Rare, said Death.

The fact is that camels are far more intelligent than dolphins.[*]
[*] Never trust a species that grins all the time. It's up to something.

Das schauerlichste Übel also, der Tod, geht uns nichts an; denn solange wir existieren, ist der Tod nicht da, und wenn der Tod da ist, existieren wir nicht mehr.

Diejenigen, die gelernt haben, den Tod zu erkennen, statt ihn zu fürchten und zu bekämpfen, werden für uns zu Lehrmeistern des Lebens.

Im Grunde genommen wollen die Leute, daß es morgen nicht schlimmer wird als heute.

Nach jedem Verbrechen muß jemand bestraft werden. Um so erfreulicher, wenn es der Täter ist.

"Multiple exclamation marks," he went on, shaking his head, "are a sure sign of a dis-
eased mind."

Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course.

Es gibt keine blöden Fragen, es gibt nur blöde Leute.

Marge: Das ist das Schlimmste, das du jemals gemacht hast!
Homer: Du sagst das so oft, das hat für mich jegliche Bedeutung verloren!

Internet is doch fein. Früher konnte ich nur ein paar Nachbarn nicht leiden. Heute hasse ich Menschen aus aller Welt.